Mistakes We Make in Our Marriage

When getting Scarlett ready for school, I noticed August 3rd on the calendar. This marked Matt & I’s original anniversary before we were married. It has been 11 years now since we started dating. 11 years of love, fun, obstacles & a list of memories to fill up a room. I am one of the lucky ladies that get to say I met my soulmate at a very young age, but it wasn’t until a handful of years later that the stars aligned again for us to be together.

Our wedding date is October 4th, which we will be celebrating our third anniversary. Our relationship didn’t shift much until the last two years. That is when we decided to have our little one, Scarlett.

As many of you know, having a child is like no other challenge you face with your partner. For better or for worse, you are in it together for the fun, windy long haul of raising a little one. It has been quite the journey so far!

If you are fortunate like myself & many others out there, you are on the parenting roller coaster with your best friend.

Best friends don’t always get along though. Best friends also make mistakes, even after 15+ years of knowing one another. We aren’t perfect & those that say their relationship is, please share your magic with us because as usual, there is always a hidden trick.

People will always make mistakes in relationships, even if it is unintentional. For Matt & I, we had to start with recognizing our mishaps & mistakes, which now has allowed us to continue to work on them & build our healthy partnership. I will be the first to admit my flaws & would hope by sharing mine, it will only help others too.

Everyday, we continue to work on them together, so that we have years of happiness together.

mistakes marriage tickled scarlett blog

Going Through the Routine

I fall victim to this because let’s face it, people get into a routine & it can become tough to break it. We forget about the little things that are important to our spouse & that is when things begin to fall apart. If both of you have different work schedules, this can also make things even tougher.

We have been making more time for one another without distractions this summer & it has made a huge difference in our relationship. For instance, we had date night not too long ago & enjoyed the fair together. Not something that is in our daily routine & it was an exciting event to look forward to.

Planning an outing together or making a date night stirs up the routine for the good.

date night mistakes tickled scarlett

Ignoring Uncommon Interests

They say you are compatible with someone who have the same interests as you, but what about the uncommon interests? The ones that we don’t enjoy as much or partake in as our partners do. Matt & I both have activities & sports that we enjoy separate from each other & I consistently make the mistake of not involving myself in them.

Is it purposeful? Not at all. Enjoying separate things is normal, but what isn’t normal is me forgetting he enjoys them. Just because I don’t doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ask how his favorite team played today or how he likes his new disc he got in the mail.

Those are important to him & conversing about each other’s interests only helps build appreciation for one another’s differences. That’s what makes us all unique right?

disc golf activities events in the Pacific northwest

We Forget About Love Languages

I am a huge advocate & believer in The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, a world-renowned marriage counselor. If you have not heard or read the book, it is an absolute must for any relationship, new or old.

He explains the five ways that love is given and received & the roles they play in our relationships. There are countless ways to show affection, but we all have a primary & even secondary love language of how we want love portrayed on us.

In brief, the five are Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service & Physical Touch. From spending time with your spouse uninterrupted to hearing how great you look, each of these gesture falls into a category.

the-five-love-languages-gary-chapman

My primary love language is Quality Time. I would give anything to be with family & friends & enjoy every day with them. Whether it is a day at home or a planned outing, I just love being around others. My next one is receiving gifts. This doesn’t mean tangible, crazy expensive things. Getting cards on my birthday or receiving a secret note in my bag will make my day.

For instance, on my first day back to work after maternity leave, my husband wrote a note in my lunch. I still have it in my wallet!

In turn, I absolutely love giving gifts. I find any excuse to make something or do something for others. My post, My Love of Gift Giving: Celebrating Grandma, is all about how much gift giving means to me.

Matt’s primary love language is Acts of Service. Not only does he enjoying helping others, he loves when others help him out. It is doing little or big things for him that make him feel loved & appreciated. This could be something as simple as having a lunch ready for him or getting laundry done before he gets home from work.

His second love language is Physical Touch. Many people get this one confused, but don’t just go that route people. He likes it when I randomly give him a back scratch or touch his leg on the couch while we watch Stranger Things.

Just giving a hug or a loving gesture to someone whose love language is physical touch is huge.

Us 8 years tickled scarlett blog

This is where I have made my biggest mistake in our marriage; I forget he has love languages too.

He has needs just like I do that need to be met to feel important, loved and appreciated. Dr. Chapman tells us that we can forget them often, so it is important to verbalize & remind one another of them. It takes effort to remember our partner’s love language, but it isn’t work if you love your partner.

I always look back at when we first became a couple & why we feel in love. What has made us happy all these years & what made us decide to make the commitment to one another 11 years ago?

Numerous things of course, but ultimately, I enjoy his quality time, and he loves my acts of service that I show from gift-giving to helping him in any way possible. Take the Love Languages quiz here to better your relationship.

Mistakes We Make In Marriage -tickled scarlett blog (1)

In the end, our mistakes don’t define us. They help shape our relationship & we learn from them. What is most important is that we don’t dwell on our mistakes & try to work on them for the better. Why wouldn’t you for the love of your life?

What mistakes do you make in your relationships & needing reminding of? What helps you tackle them?

Take Care,

katie tickled scarlett signature for blog

  • Daisy Gonzalez

    i been marriage
    for 12 years now i learn how to listen,one of my biggest mistakes when we first star was no listening to my husband now our comunication is way better!!

    • Thank you Daisy for reading. Communication is so important & verbalizing our needs is one of them. Glad all is well 🙂

  • Shannon Gallatin

    Love this! I just wrote a similar post recently! Great minds think alike!
    http://mylifeintheblink.com/honeymoon-10-lessons-love/

    • Thank you Shannon for commenting! I will have to take a look 🙂

  • Rakhi Mangala Parsai

    I loved reading this article Katie. It’s so true we all do make mistakes in our marriages and its so important to notice them and work upon them.

    • Thank you Rakhi for the kinds words. Always good to acknowledge them so we can improve ourselves and each other.

  • Tiff Weilbacher

    Good points! Sometimes it is difficult to remember that your spouse may have a different love language than your own – and that is a stumbling block in so many marriages. Both sides have to contribute!

    • Thank you for reading and the great input. Aren’t the love languages great? I wish I had copies to pass out to people 🙂

  • Marcie

    Yes! Learning each others’ love languages has helped a lot. Having kids totally changes marriage. It’s good you are being mindful of that early on!

    • Thank you Marcie for the kind words. The love languages are so important and definitely take effort on remembering to fulfill them!

  • Kellie A Bright Neighborhood

    I am very open about the struggles my husband and I have faced in our marriage. I believe firmly that there is no Mr/Mrs Right. All marriages are made of two imperfect people, and the only way we STAY together for the long haul is to value our commitment over our feelings.

    • Great points Kellie. Commitment over feelings very well said!

  • Magaly Elizabeth Tompkins

    I loved this article. It’s so true all of it! We get caught up with new changes a baby brings and adjusting to life itself but it is very important to remember how we got here. Obviously because we lived each other. I know I’m guilty of not making my husband to feels as important as if is to me and that’s my biggest flaw and I’ve been working on it. Because nothing feels better than to lift your best friend when we have high and low moments.

    • Thank you so much for reading. YES like you said, once little ones are in the mix, we tend to forget about the other half. Great job recognizing it so you can continue to work on it 🙂

  • Shell

    Good points for any who want to strengthen their relationship …

  • Sosi’s Mom

    It must speak to the strength of your relationship to be able to write about it in a public forum.

    • Thank you for the kind words. Yes…we are pretty upfront and honest with one another which makes a HUGE difference 🙂

  • Love this post! It is so important to be intentional in our marriages – especially once we add kids to the mix!

    • Agreed Mary! Thank you for reading and commenting 🙂

  • Great post. This is an amazing write up. This article shows how strong is your love bond. I will too keep these points in my mind to keep my relation as strong as yours

    • Thank you so much Minakski for the kind words. I highly recommend the Five Love Languages…it made a huge difference in our relationship 🙂

  • Devon Bernthal

    These are all great tips! It’s so easy to fall into a rut and become like roommates. I’ve been married for 13 years, we’ve had our fair share of rough patches. I feel the key is to communicate and have patience.

    • Thank you Devon for taking a moment to read my post. Yes the rut is for real & it is so important to keep each other’s feelings & interests in mind as often as we can in this crazy life!

  • Rachel Catherine

    These are such common things to do! We do them all the time too, especially falling into the routine.

    • Thank you commenting and reading Rachel. Very common, but not talked about in the open as often as it should be I think 🙂

  • Raising World Children Ezine

    Love languages is something new I am coming across. Great read though. I know we are guilty of these mistakes as well.

    • Thank you for your comment! The book is great and they have a quiz on the site you can take 🙂

  • Lindsey

    This is such a great post!! After having our son our dating life has taken a beating (unintentionally). Thank you for the reminder of how important it is to put each other first!

    • Thank you Lindsey for commenting. All in time…with a new little, it can get crazy at first, but just reminding each other of one another’s needs is the first step at the beginning 🙂

  • MAMALOGUES

    Forgetting about Love languages is HUGE!! I remind my husband, who has been my husband for 7 years, but my partner in crime for 15 years, all the time that my love language is physical touch and not to forget that! It’s so easy for us to get into the roomates routine. Such a wonderful post!

    • It can be so easy to forgot the 5 love languages, but when we do remember them, it makes a world of difference! Thank you for commenting 🙂

  • Kassi Sherman

    This post certainly hits close to home. Having a child changes everything. Your priorities change and suddently you have this tiny person that you are completely responsible for. Sometimes motherhood has made me forget the person that I used to be – and the relationship we used to have. This post is a great reminder to shift your focus back to each other. Thanks for the share!

    • Oh no Kassi thank YOU for sharing with us & I am happy to hear I am not the only Mother who has a hard time with these. Taking time for one another can be tough… when it “shifts” just for a minute though, it can make a difference. Take care 🙂

  • Jess Caudery

    Nice insights – thank you for sharing your experience. Relationships are very unique and personal but still relate-able (I can relate to a lot of what you have written here) Outward strain can have a negative impact on relationships but I have always found I can re-tune and listen to my partner and reconnect after tricky patches.

    • Thank you Jess for taking a moment to share. Isn’t interesting how outside influences can have such an impact? Take care 🙂

  • Amanda

    These are such great tips. Thank you for sharing! We’ve been married for four years. Things are not easy but they are always worth it.

    • Thank you Amanda for taking a moment to read and comment on my blog. Way to go 4 years! I hope my tips help keep things strong 🙂

  • Dikla Frances

    The book sounds very interesting. It is so easy to get lost with taking care of the kids and work.

    • Thank you for commenting & reading. It is a great book…a must read!

  • megan beaver

    I have the Gary Chapman book and I have not readi it yet. Now I will make sure I get started on it asap. Thank you!

    • Thank you Megan for reading & commenting. This book will change your relationships not just with your significant other, but with people in general. Enjoy!

  • SARA ADAM

    thank you for sharing your experience, There is no marriage without problems and mistakes

    • I absolutely agree! Thank you for taking a minute to comment & read Sara.

  • Jenni Petrey

    This is a very insightful post. I think every marriage has it’s ups and downs and mistakes are made, but as long as we can work through the ups and downs everything will be okay in the long run.

    • Thank you Jenni for the wonderful advice. Working through it together is so important 🙂 take care!

  • Bee Lovewell

    This made me think. My husband is a massive football fan. I have zero interest. But I really should be taking an interest in what interests him. That doesn’t have to mean sitting through a game. Just listening to him properly when he talks about a great game and instead of tuning out (!) asking him to explain, enlighten me a little … let him indulge his passion.

    • Absolutely Bee, this is great! In that moment, he will feel like the world 🙂 and then who knows, maybe it will spark up other conversations and lead to your interests too. Take care!

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  • Aw I really love this!!! I think it truly helps so much to have common interests. My husband and I try to spend the time we have after our kids go to bed. If he has to work, we usually both pull out our computers and do it together. It really makes a difference and makes us feel like a team. Thanks for these thoughts!!!

    • Thank you Sophie for taking the time to read and enjoy my post. Sounds like you two have a good partnership 🙂 love the support you both are giving to one another when working together!

  • Congratulations on 5 years! That is inspiring all on its own. Communication is key!

  • Thank you for taking a moment to read and comment. Always good to reflect on the beginning and remember where the love started.

  • I would recommend picking it up if you see it or ask for it for a gift…it is such a moving book. Thank you for reading!

  • I recommend this book to anyone and everyone, even if they are in the beginning of a new relationship or have been together for decades. I hope it inspires you!

  • Oh my Sarah, that is amazing and congratulations! What are your tips? I love hearing people’s love lasting this long.

  • Karen Fischer

    Such great advice from Dr. Chapman AND Katie B. Like so many things in life, relationships take work. It fills my heart with joy to know that you and Matt will no doubt be together forever! Because you take the time to take care of each other. Much love to you both. Momma